moneyindabanks

I'm Al!ve

2008-04-11T10:50:46Z

Sorry I've been so MIA lately but as I was venting in past entries I had alot of personal life issues to work on. Now I feel like I'm on track again. I'd like to end this statment with I'm not where I want to be, but I am where I should be.

So I got a job working at a local convinent store, as my experience with Warehouse One didn't follow through. The good things are that, it's close to home, I get alot of hours (dispite my minimum wage) My boss truely believes in me, and furthur more I'm not caught up in the hussle bustle lifestyle of retail work. Even though it does get boring I have time to reflect and think.
I've made some good self discoveries so far. One, people who meet me just generally like and get along with me; I'm not a bad person. People have so much faith and belief in me, so I can show myself faith. Third, I have an undying hunger for fashion. I'm always reading the magazines on tuesdays (thats when we get all new magazines). I keep thinking about my collections and anotating fashion ads and drawing flats. I love it so much it's given me the courage to follow through with school this summer. Last but not least, I definatly have power and I know I am able to do anything I wanted.
The first step for me in always having good organization is to have a clean house. The past few days I have been vaccuing, doing my laundry, dishes, and even picking up the cigarette butts out side (some in unimaginable places). It's almost done and it feels so good! I just have one more load of laundry to do. YES!
I also have adopted douchemonts cat. her name was Mittens but I changed it to Dolce, it suits her better and I mean come on what a cleche name for a cat...mittens. She is so cute! she has colourings like a ocolote and has big irresistable green eyes and is a total attention whore.
I also have begun to separate myself for my old circle of friends, who I believe have been weighing me down for so long, to focus on the most important thing in my life...me.
Mama finally quit Ay Bay Cay FINALLY, now I dont have to put up with her bitching about her job 24/7. I mean we all have things we hate about our job but she just took on too much and decided she'd just vent on everyone else for her work stress.
God finally got a job working at a hiphop styled clothing shop behind my work. It's perfect for her, and she needed it. Whtie nigga also is getting her act together and spending more time on herself. Lately she has been wearing new clothes, went out to get a new phone. now all she needs to do is find her self a new job and rid herself of the old one.
Speaking of jobs I really need to finish that test. I've been putting it off for so long and my boss keeps nagging me for it (undersanablly I must add though). My boss said he plans on leaving in August and asked if I would like to take his position. I think that would be a great opportunity and be great on my resume, but as it looks right now, I want to be able to focus on school come August, and I dont want to bite off more then I can chew.
Oh and for school I really need to go back to school shopping. I'm looking at my school venture as a 100% networking opportunity and so I need to look my best and know all the answers like the back of my hand. For real.
Sorry this log is so spuratic but I'm tired I'm coming down with something and my mind is silently hyper (if that even makes sense) so I'm all BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.
So lately I've been hanging out with Hoebagg and Karen alot more lately. It's been alot of fun having girls night with them and being able to not have Douchemont around. The best part is that we all think alike, act alike, and are all at the same point in each of our lives where we truely connect. We came up with an Idea that could quite possiblly be the best opportunity for the three of us.
First we think we should move in together to one of my parents proporties and live under one roof. Since we all will be going to school it'll be easy for us to kick each other into high gear with our school work. We would all be able to look out for each other wether. Plus our being at the same place makes it better for us to support eachother,
I am also SO excited for Rainbow to come home soon. OMG I've been going the withdrawls. Plus, it'd be nice to be able to go out to the O more offten. I found her the PERFECT man. He's my co-working and let me tell you....MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN.... this is so fucking Epic you just dont even understand. EEE.
Oh ya, while I was away I went camping...Hmm Camping in BC in March. Who's genius idea was that, Oh ya douchemonts. All it did was sunny clouds rain hail snow repeatedly even freaking hour. Douchemonts tent colapsed the was so much snow. SO MUCH. the second night I woke up drifting side to side in a pool of water. Dun freaking times... next tie call me in july or august.
Guys I'm so tired I have to go to bed but I will be sure to update you all more regularily. Right now my eyes are battling to stay open...Gah!

Night XOXO

Quizz Day!

2008-03-03T23:31:18Z

So I'm bored and waiting for phone calls. To cope with time I've decided to take some random quizzes

<div id="resdiv"><center><table border="0" style="border: 1px solid black;" width="450"><td align="center"><font size="+3">Your walk is:<br><b>Pirate-esque</b></font>
<br /><img src="http://img.quizgalaxy.com/pirate.gif" alt="QuizGalaxy.com"><br />
<br /><a href="http://www.quizgalaxy.com/quiz.php?id=78">Take this quiz</a> at <a href="http://www.quizgalaxy.com">QuizGalaxy.com</a></td></table></center>
</div>

soooo one quiz.... hey at least i'm easily distracted :)

Intoxicated

2008-03-03T12:04:25Z

So I'm here again with another entry,

I am so damn stoned! o........m.........g...........I'm soooo giddy. People say I'm lucky (which I am) because instead of becoming chill and burnt like most people I become excited and ansy. I love D&G it's like we connect on a psychic level and I loves it. hehe I'm sounding so valley eevee wud be so disgusted! and this grammer and spelling. All of which, I can't do but I'm pretty smart. Smarter then more things then the average.

mmmm sleep...
....*POST*

~Banks*

'The Secret'

2008-03-02T06:59:03Z

Hey fellow bloggers it's banks back with another entry,

Today was really, really cool. I was supposed to go on a date today but he canceled on me because he had to help a friend move but, he wants to reschedual for tomorrow. It kinda made me upset; I was being irrational and started thinking I got what was coming to me, oh he's just rebeling because I've had to cancel on him in the past. Truthfully I just opened a crock of bull because if he's got other plans he's got other plans! I'm not the one to be upset, I barely even know him.
Since I was on my way to the bus stop to get there I just decided to enjoy the day. It was fairly decent sunny with soe overcast, so I made my way to my favourite coffee shop and order my usual. At this point my mind was still rapped around anger and fustration so I decided to sit down outside have a couple cigz, enjoy my coffee and read my book. I must say it was quite intense. Reading brought me to my centre, I got lost in my book filling my head with faith, ambition and discovery. It was extremely calming, I began to think more rationally.
I took a break from reading to follow up on my job offers, it had been four days since my interview and I hadn't heard anything from their head office for a second follow up interview. I was assured their DM just returned late friday evening, and that since the office is closed on weekends, I'd be called on monday or tuesday for a follow up interview. In the midst of my phone calls I decided to phone my Dad, it'd be a good way to break the tension, and since this proccess is about learning and growing in a positive direction I decided it'd be a good idea to see what was up, and hopfully establish a relationship with him.
As we talked he told me there was this movie I might like called the secret and that I should come over to watch it. Being a little ansy to do something with my day I jumped on he oportunity. I finished up my section of the book and made my way to my parents residence. When I got there he was in the middle of a conversation with one of our neighbors. Soon after my arrival my Fathers friend left and he directed me upstairs to the computer room where he continued our conversation on life, his computer room and our days before he put on the movie.
The movie was unbeliveable. It opened my eyes, my mind, my heart and soul. The title 'the secret' is a total oxymoron as the secret isn't a secret, just a surpressed law which in today's society is begining to surface. To sum the moive up it was on the 'Law of Attraction'. I've never heard truer words in my entire life. You constantly attract things, good, and bad. negative energy brings negative energy and positive energy brings positive energy. That though is something most people in sociey already believe in and know of, we call it, karma. But this movie goes beyond this. It showed me that you are the universe and the universe is you, as although we and everything around us appears solid, the solid is made of molecuels and those are made of atoms and atoms are just balls of concenrated energy so in factuality energy dosen't begin or end. Energy is renewed or better yet changes and since everything is made of energy then everything is made of the same thing, making us one with everything and everyone. Since we ourselves are the universe we all play our own role as our own deity or our own faith which enables us to make happen, whatever we want to happen.
Skeptics, will say 'i'm thinking of an apple in my hand and it's not in my hand', but really you have to do the steps in between (filling in the blank spaces) in order to make what you want, yours. The universe will only tell you one thing ' Your wish, is my command!' How?
Well is can happen in negative and positive routes. The negative thought is if you say 'oh I dont really want to go to that store because it's always so busy with huge line-ups. You work your self up for disaster and in the end it is what you wish for. You are setting your mind up for disaster and what happens? You get to the store and it's ubber busy. In a positive light you say I want this job, you visualize working at that job, forcing yourself to believe you have the job already, feel it, act it if you have to (for if you act it you will begin to believe it). The point is to believe it and dont give up and then next week...Ring Ring....you got the job :) Now this proccess happens in three steps, three easy steps which when used more or less becomes a habit.
The point of these three steps is to accomidate you and take more deep thinking then what the words procieve. Ask, Answer, Recieve. First you go through lifes catalouge and ask for something you really want, be it, the job, the house, car, lover, pet, ANYTHING! When you are asking, visualize you already have it make note of all the sensations from your senses. The universe will then answer you be it with an oportunity or situation, the key here is to jump on this opportunity. If you want it so bad realize it and take any opportunity presented to you. Last, recieve it, often the hardest step. Sometimes the mind becomes weiry and you reject what has been given to you. It is crucial to keep visualizing your wants and dreams so that when your opportunity comes you can recieve it. Take whats yours! You wanted it! take it.
It also outlined the very skeptical counter of there is never enough good for everyone, but truthfully, everyone wants different things, everyones view of happiness is different. Not to mention positive distribution is endless and can never stop. There is never a stop to the positive energy you want to recieve.
After this movie I was so inspired and so right! I recommend it to everyone. I talked about my feelings toward it with my Father and with the positive thoughts we went to the grocery store. I went to the magazine section in hopes of finding another men's fashion magazine to see whats new and out there when all of a sudden it popped out at me. All the other magazines were men in the outdoors looking rugged and manly, but this one was modern a sexy with a masc. fem play and PINK accents. I was drawn to it. I kept thinking this magazine has what I want, and I quickly flipped through the pages ( like shuffling a pack of cards). I remember saying, yes it's what I want. So I brought the magazine home and carefully looked through the pages, it was my catologue. I knew I wasn't limited to this but I knew what I was dreaming of and what I was wanting and this magazine materialized my dreams into the images of these pages! I pulled out a note pad and started marking off the pages be it , my style, my lifestyle, my car, my house, my husband etc etc. I plan to buy a corkboard and some pins so I can cuts these things out and pin them to the coarkboard in my room so I can see it when I wake up and when I go to bed. After I see my dreams right in front of me I can be greatful for what I do have and actually be excited! I have so much, and I will have everything else! What more can I ask for?!
I'm excited! It's a new begining and I love it. Here comes the life I have dreamed of, because I am an unstoppable force and I will get what I desire!

XOX~Banks*

Happy

2008-03-01T01:17:50Z

Hey there it's Banks again,

Wow today I've felt so happy, so incredibly happy. Today I woke up at 11:30 not my finest of hours to get up but I was up late the previous night late. Even though I had a huge urge to go back to sleep, I forced myself to wake up and get ready (because I had an interview today in the early afternoon). I had my shower quickly because even though I knew I had sometime I didn't want to risk it, a calculated judgment from my past experiences. So I used my favourite scented body wash and washed my hair trying to immitate the technic used in salons. Well it worked because not only did my hair lay flat (my hair has been chemically straightened), it also is the smoothest it's been in a while and feels remotly alive. After my shower I quickly toweled off threw on my terry cloth robe, brushed y teeth, put a sprits of hugo on, bushed my hair and added my new found love leave in conditioner. After my little routine, I walked into my bedroom and opened my huge closet of wonders (yes wonders, :D I live for fashion, I LOVE IT) where I decided on wearing a neutral coloured outfit so I presented a more professional image, grabbed my favourite trench coat and was out the door.
On my walk to the bus stop I was refelcting on my feelings, trying to discover how I felt. It then dawned on me, while lighting a cigarettte, I was just feeling neutral. I wasn't sad, mad, excited, happy, or any other emotion for that matter. After making my little discorvery I decided I was going to read my book on the bus to my interview.
Flipping through the pages on my book as emotional as these pages may have been- crying, angry, or in a burning love- I was begining to become excited. I felt for the characters and their issues and it was invigorating. The bus stopped into the station i was getting off at and I couldn't stop reading I had to finish my paragraph there most of been an entire minute I was trying to hang on to but i succeeded even in the last few words were taking the last few steps through the bus doors. It's almost as if I was competing with myself and I felt myself bouncing around in my head.
Walking towards the store I lit another cig and put on my power face, which some how in my warpped little world gives me confidence which gives my legs permission to begin to lengthen and I begin to strut like a model in paris fashion week. For the next ten minutes I felt invincable, I had it all and quite frankly I do. I was a force to be reckond with and i was quickly coming up with plots and plans of execution for my invterview. Approaching the store a slowly started undoing my jacket, my way of being a lil showey and flirtacious. With an open jacket I stomped through the store and to the front desk when my jacket seemed to be blowing in an imaginary breeze. I felt like the hottest shit alive.
I introduced myself to the cashier and told her I was here for an interview. She told me it would be a moment and to please sit down while I waited. Well the days manager approached me introduced herself which at that point I felt a little nervous. There was a point of silence when she was going over her notes and I was lost in my own head. I noticed this and decided to be myself give a piece of me to her so she would know the real me. From that moment on we were chatting like we were old friends, I had rocked that interview. I hadn't felt so natural in an interviewing process since college interviews. I was welcomed to a second interview with a higher-up. I agreed thanked her for her time and was on my way home again.
Nothing could stop me as I returned home, I caught myself feeling a little too self indulgent and decided to bring it down a knotch by continuing to read my book. I felt humbled by reading even though I was sitting beside extremely unintelligent, gasey, rude, waste of oxygen type teenagers who ended up throwing a paperball at my head. Yeah I admit it, I had a moment of anger, who were those down little fuckers?Who did they think they were? I should snap them in half! What a waste of earth! I decided that everyone has a reason to being here on earth and hoped one day they would make something of themselves. Two things could happen to them, 1) they could become Successful and change the world for the better or 2) Become reminders to the successful of thankfulness to be where they are and that they didn't turn out like that. In turn one day returning a charity to help the world yet again become a better place. In one way I've discovered that inwardly positives and negatives can happen but outwardly only positive can come which help control and feed the populations needs wants and beliefs.
Anywho I have now returned home where I am waiting for Douchemont to take me to the grocery store as it is raining and far from home. I should probablly clean my house as tonight my sister is coming to visit but really the cleaning is for my own benifit. Now I shall leave you with my favourite quote of the day.

"It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us." Nelson Mandella

XOX Ciao~ Banks*

My 'Hello'

2008-02-29T06:59:10Z

Hi there it's Banks,

Why do most people like to surround themselves with drama? It confuses me why 'You can lead a horse to water, shove it's mouth in the water, even stick an I.V. in them and they still wont take it'(rainbow)? It took me a while to realize I had hit rock bottom. I wasn't abusing any substance but I was living the life of any alcholic or drug addict, I simply didn't care! I wasn't consered about myself, the way I dressed, that my house was messy. This eventually lead up to my friends taking over my life; I was consumed by my friends. They came over every night, we would either drink or get high, I just became stupid. Everyone gerneally hits a similar plan once in their life - mine just happened to come a week and a half ago.
It all started with my best friend rainbow coming home from Uni. Naturally I went to her house to spend a couple of days with her while she was here. Upon my arraival I discovered my other friend hoebagg was there aswell (please be aware these names are all covers to protect the people in my life). Everything was fine and dandy the first day and night, but by then I had already fallen into a routine of carlessness (my routine of waking up late in the day doing shit all during my day having God, WhiteNigga and Douchemont come over obscenly late at night to blaze). ANYways.... So I knew the next day I had to work, but all day I just sat and played video games with my two friends , then even after everyone had gones to bed I stayed up until 3 in the morning to wait for Douchemont to come and blaze with me before I went to sleep. Well not having thought about setting my alarm properly, I woke up an hour before work, knowing perfectly well it took me at least an hour and a half to get to work. I had already been skating on thin Ice at work so to make a long story short I was 'Let go.' The first thing I did was tell my Mother who then told my Father. Well Father being Father Blew the situation way out of hand and told me to find another job in the next week or I'd be out of the house (Note: I live on my own, but I do live on one of my parents properties).
So for the next hour I got up and halfast went around to a couple of stores to drop off resumes, the entire time victimising myself blah blah blah. THEN we get home and Rainbow said she needed to go to talk to her Ex Manager about summer employment. With this she and I agreed to go around handing out resumes for the majority of the afternoon, which I barely did truthfully I handed out one more resume (pathedic I know). So we go back to her place and wind down to have dinner when out of no where hoebagg drops a bomb the bomb of substance abuse and the real reason why she was there. Rainbow and I wern't schocked as we had expected this of her for quite sometime. Unsatisfied by our responses of reason and logic she retaliated by playing the pity party and putting blame on other people. This REALLY upset rainbow who forced hoebagg out of her house before rainbow herself ran out of the house leaving me feeling awkward and useless. Without a second thought I ran after rainbow bought her, her two of the things she loved strawberry flavoured cigars and coffee before we retired to a nearby park to sort out everything that just happened and sort out our feelings,basically coming to the conclusion that we need to worry about ourselves instead of dragging ourselves into the drama of someone who obviously didn't want the help.
The next day I woke up at 11 supposed to be up earlier to be out looking for a job. My Father found out I was home and sat me down and asked me WHY DONT YOU GET IT? WHY ARE YOU MAKING THINGS SO HARD FOR YOURSELF? WHY DO YOU HAVE SO MUCH HATE OR RESENTMENT? Truth was I really didn't have an answer but the agressive conversation provoked me to retaliate, saving myself from having anyone know me or at least think they do. I wanted to be the only one who knew me ONLY ME FUCKER!!!!! ONLY ME! (I dont know what it is but Comedians are some of the best thinkers of our time... lame sounding? No just stupid but think about it what they say the majority of it actually happens, thats why it's so funny we use comedians way of reitterating daily things to us but go deeper into it and because it is true we laugh, it's our escape from saying omg it's true. Anyways I find it true that women are brain ninjas-lol- they hit you went you least expect it because their for of attack is psychological rather than physical.) So at this point I was already crying I had been wounded and I needed out but at the most critical point at my lowest low (or so I thought) the big gun comes out...My Mother. She sat down to absorb the situation while My Father continued to rip me. I only had one last option to defend my self ' MY BEST FRIEND HAS ADMITTED TO SUBSTANCE ABUSE I LOST MY JOB MY LIFE IS FUCKED WHAT MORE DO YOU FUCKING WANT FROM ME?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!" And for a breif moment there was silence I felt I had laid it on the line and it was working I had opened my self up to shine some light to my parents, this is me, banks. Then it happened, it was said like water, it flowed out it wasn't forced there was no negative or positive energy behind it just neutral and natural, this is the worst things for things to be said because often it is the most life shattering earth breaking. "You may not be abusing substances, but you are living like a drug addict" it was explained to me that it didn't take a substance to live like one who abuses them, if the characteristics are there then anyone could draw the parrallels. I was a slob, I hadn't shaved in days, my clothes were wrinkled my house was littered with fast food bags and cups condoms everywhere, a pile of dirty dishes, material,clothes, books and paper scattered through out the house, and dust had built up on everysurface of the house. IT WAS TRUE!!!! I WAS LIVING LIKE THE PERSON I HAD LOATHED MOST my father. As much as I cared about hoebagg, I was in no way different then her. Soon after my parents left, I may have cried for about 5 minutes to myself with no one around, but then I thought about it, and I was INSPIRED! I instantly got up and cleaned every square inch of my house and spent the evening by myself. I remember going out for a smoke when the sun was still high in the sky. It was so bright that day, I stepped outside and was consummed by the light. I had felt warm and connected to everything in the universe. Just for those 5 minutes. When I had gone back inside to clean I felt a really small part of me die but for some reason I felt my inspired so I continued on with my tasks of the moment. After my day of cleaning I actually made myself dinner sat down printed out resumes and watched tv as I ate. Then I took a bath to wash away all of my negativity and to really reflect on myself. That night I went to bed inspired then I woke up even more inspired. I was up early and loving it. I spent the day ACTUALLY handing out resumes even to places I wouldn't have considered before. By the end of the day I returned home where my mother had met me to drop off geroceries so I had food to eat. She suprised me with a book, 'The Witch of Portobello'. That day I put off reading the book until before bed where I read one sagement and was so confussed I gave up for the night and went to bed. The Next day I was still running off of the previous day's inspiration, I had a shower and was off again to hand out more resumes. On the way home I had phoned my Mother to see how she was and she told e she was about to go out to run arrunds, so naturally I asked if I could come along and spend some time with her and hopfully cut some of the tention i had with her, because above all else she is most important to me.
Now I have a confession in the last 5 days since the day I spent with my mom, I feel like I have been slipping to my old ways. I haven't gone out to do anything my friends came over during the night and above all else self proclaimed reformist hoebagg spent those past 5 days at my house. I've definatly have felt the slip feel I have lost the drive and inspiration. The book I have continued to read in those last five days has told me you find your inspiration to face each day (which through out the day has an infinate amount of moments) through what ever you love to do. Not nessacarily just by simpliy doing it but doing it to the point of exstacy, a moment where your soul and body seperate so you experience your life almost like a viewer so you are able to enjoy and apperciate each and every moment in all of it's infinity. The example used in the book is through dance. Dance till you feel you are going to collapse for you are so out of breathe, for at this point is the moment were you see the light or the auras that surround everyone and everything. I want to find that in someway to be inspired enough to at least think of the next step instead of all these distractions. I am at a crossroads where I dont know how to feel,act or even be I haven't given up, I mean I have had two job opportunities and very good ones at that but until things get going I feel restless and impatient or at a loss of want to do inbetween. LIKE IN MY BOOK! which says something along the lines of, you can understand each letter and deeply understand each work but it is the spaces in between each word when was are disctracted and are at a lost, which invokes fear which can sometimes be a good thing, if you know what to do with it. I'm really confussed and for the night.... my brain is at a standstill. So I'll leave you with my favourite quote of today.
"An eye for an eye, makes the world go blind" Ghandi